Gems: "I stick to heroin. I mean, why mess around?" -- Anderson Cooper ~*~*~ "I worked at ESPN for a total of seven and a half years. 'Bristol is pissed at me' is my default setting." -- Keith Olbermann ~*~*~ "I look like Rachel Maddow." -- Anderson Cooper ~*~*~ "It's more fun than taking candy from a baby." -- Rachel Maddow ~*~*~ "And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the Promised Land. Sometimes it's just New Jersey." -- Jon Stewart ~*~*~ Isha Sesay: Attire. Can we talk clothes, quickly, for this thing? Anderson Cooper: *pause* I am tired. ~*~*~ "If you have blogged about me 19 times or more so far this year, get help. And maybe? A life." -- Anderson Cooper ~*~*~ panda_check: There is no emoticon for the face I just made at you. ~*~*~ Q: What did you major in at the University of Miami? Aubrey Huff: Like everybody else, I majored in business management. I'd say baseball but that wouldn't look good. ~*~*~ panda_check: What would they call the people who live in the infected zone? Me: Um.... the infected? O.o Me: Uninfected? Me: Normies? Panda: If I could stab you from over here I would. Panda: Just sayin' Panda: You're lucky I don't have throwing knives or stars Me: Oooooooo I'm sooo scared ~*~*~ "It's better to keep an open mind about people and then judge them." -- Jack Gray ~*~*~ "There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Just dunno if it's a freight train or sunlight." -- Tommy Baldwin ~*~*~ "Awww, you just broke [Ron] Malec's heart. He wanted some action today." -- Chad Knaus, after driver Jimmie Johnson declined changing the tear-off ~*~*~ "There's no such thing as 110% and if you try to give 110% there's two people involved and you've got a problem." -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ pontifractusay: I just saw a picture of Spencer Pratt and thought it was Dan Abrams ~*~*~ "Nobody's dorkier than comic book nerds." -- Tucker Carlson ~*~*~ Jimmie Johnson: "What the fuck did we do to deserve this?" Chad Knaus: "Need to shave that fuckin' beard." ~*~*~ "I've broken more bones through the years racing motorcycles, falling off golf carts, cutting myself, whatever it may be. I am injury-prone." -- Jimmie Johnson ~*~*~ Chris Matthews: "MSNBC is the people's network." Keith Olbermann: "He's Chris Matthews and he approved that message." ~*~*~ pontifractusay: [Keanu] made his character right handed again Me: that has to be awkward. I can't even hold a pen in my right hand! pontifractusay: he wrote equations. pontifractusay: on a blackboard. Me: AND HE WROTE WITH HIS RIGHT HAND?! I give that man credit pontifractusay: yeah. but big. his normal handwriting is teeeeny Me: I still give him credit. grab a pen and hold it like a knife that you're ready to stab someone with. that is how I hold a pen with my right hand. it's only there to make me look balanced pontifractusay: he can... eat and hit a baseball, and catch things and apparently write with his right hand. Also, he spoke Chinese. Me: WITH HIS RIGHT HAND?! :p pontifractusay: yes. his right hand is multilingual. ~*~*~ "You're asking me? Then we're really screwed, if you're asking me." -- Anderson Cooper ~*~*~ "If (Brett Myers) goes out there next time and steals a base, I’m leaving." -- Ryan Howard ~*~*~ pontifractusay: There's someone that would be a sobbing mess to hear that you know. Do you want to make Neo cry? DO YOU?!?!?!? ~*~*~ pontifractusay: I have decided that Wolf Blitzer is bringing sexy back. ~*~*~ redden6: Am I troubled by Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Not nearly as much as I am about the fact someone actually named their child "Bristol". Now, THAT is just wrong. ~*~*~ "Just don't screw it up, buddy." -- Michelle Obama ~*~*~ Maxwell Smart: Would you believe that there are 300 hundred Control Agents outside this building? Siegfried: No there's not. Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 20 SWAT members? Siegfried: No. Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun. ~*~*~ stickhandleme: Either way I can sit here guessing at it all day, but I've got to get it to a mechanic gottalooksharp: Call Chad Knaus ~*~*~ "Never let a Monday ruin your Sunday." -- Bud Light guy, Citizens Bank Park ~*~*~ shaysdays: I don't know who "They" really are but it seems like a nice round number. ~*~*~ "Keanu Reeves could produce and direct a one-man Hamlet that won not just an Oscar but a Nobel Prize and, when people talked about him, the first word out of their mouths would still be 'Whoa.'" -- Bill Goodykoontz ~*~*~ lissachicka: "Chad, I..." *PING!!!* "OW! I didn't say anything!" "That was a pre-emptive lugnut." ~*~*~ stickhandleme: the kid would come out looking like Hugh Jackman got to him ~*~*~ queeniexb: Anderson Cooper has great fashion sense. I'll take a ticket to that gun show any day. ~*~*~ panda_check: I'm Master Chief, I'm not a superhero! ~*~*~ flippinforcarl: Chad Knaus has a really great ass. ~*~*~ "There are certainly plenty of less painful ways to deal with stress, but really, how many times a day can you masturbate?" -- Anderson Cooper ~*~*~ panda_check: *poke* You're ignoring me, you jerk :-P Me: noes.. panda_check: You've left me for Keanu Reeves Me: NOES!! nevers! panda_check: I'm so hurt :(( ~*~*~ lissachicka: BRB... Ma Nature on line one. ~*~*~ lissachicka: It's hard to follow a sport when it's never on TV, and all you get in your local paper is the verbal fellatio of the Green Bay Packers. ~*~*~ redden6: I was driving to work and I passed a billboard on I-275 and my first thought was wow, that sure is a pretty lesbian. And then realized it wasn't a lesbian at all, it was Vinny Lecavalier. In an advertisement for his charitable foundation. But you see, my mistake was easy to make. I'm telling you that picture is probably hanging up in every cell in every women's prison from here to Illinois. ~*~*~ "Sometimes your dreams come true, but there's nothing wrong with dreaming again." -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ Me: Gah. What do they call Marty Smith? panda_check: *non-chalantly* I dunno. Shithead? ~*~*~ NASCAR.com: Do you feel guilty winning at Lowe's Motor Speedway so much? Chad Knaus: Hell no! ~*~*~ "It will by the time we're done today." -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." -- A.A. Milne ~*~*~ "Nothing says comedy like 'portable crystal meth lab'." -- Moby ~*~*~ "I talked more with J.J. [Yeley] than with Denny [Hamlin]. You don't have to tell Denny anything. It's like a younger clone of me -- just not quite as good looking." -- Tony Stewart ~*~*~ Woman: Elliott Sadler's trying to do Atkins. What d'you eat as part of a healthy diet? Tony Stewart: Diet? *grabs tummy and shakes* Look at this stomach! ~*~*~ panda_check: That guy needs to be shot, and put out of our misery. ~*~*~ evilsenshi: I'd do anything for you, even Jeremy Mayfield. ~*~*~ "Do you not see what I go through every week?" -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ Me: You know where my brain was? panda_check: In Elliott's pants. ~*~*~ *Tony Romo bobbles the field goal snap* Justin (panda_check's brother): Well, it wouldn't happen if he kept his fingers out of Carrie Underwood's cooter. ~*~*~ panda_check: I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber. Me: Why? panda_check: I hate how talented he is. Fucker. ~*~*~ evilsenshi: If Kasey Kahne told me to grab a strap on and fuck him like the two dollar whore he is, I'd take it! ~*~*~ panda_check: Hear us at Shea Stadium? They can smell us! You smell that? That ain't B.O., baby, that's desperation. ~*~*~ "I'm with Chad so much that I can almost call him my second wife." -- Jimmie Johnson ~*~*~ "Emo is short for emotional music. It is music written by bored, post-teenage suburbanites who have no edge in their lives, so the get a piercing below the neck, a tattoo, wear pants with no belts, and feel like shopping mall punk rockers. Wait, that's a little harsh. Every generation has a outlet for rampant boredom I suppose. Labels on music is stupid. They're like little fraternities where someone can feel safe and sheltered. Make your own freakin' identity. Like Martin Brodeur in net. I like Jimmy Eat World, Weezer, Fugazi, and Dashboard Confessional, and they are considered emo, I guess." -- John Buccigross ~*~*~ panda_check: *punch* Me: Who're you punching? panda_check: *mumbles* Me: Why're you punching Jessica Alba? panda_check: CHASE UTLEY! ~*~*~ Me: I'd be like an Oriental tourist with my camera snapping and flashing and trying to touch it even though he's playing the flute and trying to charm it. ~*~*~ panda_check: Jimmie: I do too have a pretty face! Chad: Says who? Jimmie: Chandra. Chad: Yeah, but she says that when your face is in her crotch! ~*~*~ "I can't believe there's a Guacamole Day. That's my day. A holiday for me. We need to go find some Mexican food." -- Jimmie Johnson ~*~*~ panda_check: You can't cheat at sex! ~*~*~ "Rick Hendrick is a lot of things, but he is no dummy when it comes to hiring crew chiefs. Ray Evernham and Chad Knaus are just two examples of the kind of people he chooses. These guys are part psychologist, part mechanical genius (not always legally, but geniuses nonetheless), and part taskmaster. They get the job done and keep the drivers motivated." -- The Gog ~*~*~ prettypunklady: Roger Federer... ererererer... somebody stop him!!!!! ~*~*~ evilsenshi: say no to mush! say yes to porn! ~*~*~ evilsenshi: sweet Jesus, if I had a cock, it would be springing a leak right about now ~*~*~ Me: If I were his neighbor I'd be like, "YEAH JAMIE! WOOOO!! TAME THAT THING!!" ~*~*~ "The rule of thumb is: If it tastes good, it's probably not good for you. Now Sushi, that's on my diet. I'm always a fan of the rolls. I like tuna and salmon. I like the hell out of it." -- Jamie McMurray ~*~*~ Me: The big wrench? Ron [Malec] pole dances with it! stickhandleme: I think that may be the best mental image ever. ~*~*~ panda_check: YOU WANT TO HAVE A BAGILLION OF HIS MUSTACHIOED BABIES! ~*~*~ Chad Knaus: What. Isn't my voice calming and sexy? Jimmie Johnson: I'll take calming, but there is no way that I'm verifying the other one. ~*~*~ "Look at that. It's an insanely amount of a lot." -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ evilsenshi: If you live north of the dixie line, I don't care how inbred your family is, you aren't southern. ~*~*~ dreamofcolors: Chad's tool is too big. ~*~*~ lissachicka: And, no, Google, I do NOT want to know more about Harry Potter's wand. ~*~*~ "I don't think what I think. I just think what I should and go on. If we thought about what we thought about, we'd waste half our time thinking about it. So why do it?" -- Ryan Newman ~*~*~ stickhandleme: HONK HONK ALL ABOARD THE KNAUS EXPRESS! ~*~*~ "Tell all your friends, and tell their friends to tell their friends. $100,000 to get us to put Tony Stewart in a salon chair, cover his chest and back with hot wax, place wax strips on it and rrrrip the hairs right out. Good times!" -- Kevin Harvick e-mail from InfieldParking.com ~*~*~ stickhandleme: Chad and cheating are like...cake and ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, Tony and hot dogs! ~*~*~ stickhandleme: There is an Oreo commercial with Greg Biffle attacking a double stuff oreo with the gusto that a 2 penny hooker would take on Brad Pitt ~*~*~ "I have a great toy box. I just go in there and get to pick and choose all the stuff I need." -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ stickhandleme: JIMMIE JOHNSON MAY VERY WELL BE MY NEW HERO!!!! ~*~*~ "The first draft of anything is always shit." -- Ernest Hemingway ~*~*~ 30-something woman: I've come to realize that there's never going to be a Lloyd Dobbler. There won't be any boom boxes. ~*~*~ "Fuck it. Don't worry about that." -- Chad Knaus ~*~*~ "The family that comes together, sticks together." -- TJ ~*~*~ jenxhawkins: Everytime I see Kurt Busch's wife the following runs thru my head: I ain't sayin' she a Gold Digga... but, she ain't messin with no broke Keebla... ~*~*~ stickhandleme: I THINK YOU SHOULD CHEAT LIKE CHAD! ~*~*~ "There's nothing better than hearing someone bad mouth themselves." -- Vinnie, "American Chopper" ~*~*~ Me: He's at a virgin festival? panda_check: Are they sacrificing virgins? It is that time of year. ~*~*~ "Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." -- Bill Vaughan ~*~*~ stickhandleme: And Chad [Knaus] SHOULD be a dirty whore! It's the way life is!
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win. Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding. Wife: I hope it's from the ass, because that's where I just raped you. Husband: God, I love you.
Female security guard: That was Jim Jones. Male security guard: Jim Jones? Female security guard: Jim Jones, he sings "Pop Champagne." Male security guard: Jim Jones? That's that cult guy, down in uh... Guyana.